He doesn’t want to think about it.
It’s not right. It’s against the rules and everything he’s ever been taught.
From the making, from the first moments of existence until the moment Father sent them on the missions that are just for them, angels are supposed to know what love is. Know it, give it to humans when they need it but never experience it for themselves.
But now it all seemed so different.
Being on Earth was not the same as watching from Heaven. Here he could see people suffer and he could see them support each other. He witnessed the brothers together in good and in bad. Here, everything was so much more clear. On Earth keeping distance was difficult.
Zachariah had warned him about this. Don’t make it necessary for me to take part in this, Castiel, he’d said. But like everything else, those words were barely a whisper in his mind when he was among people.
Uriel’s betrayal had only made things more difficult. Distinguishing right from wrong was never a task hard to accomplish. Confusion was foreign up in the Heavens. He refused to give it any other name, what he was feeling. It had to be confusion. He hadn’t meant to but he’d lost his way and he needed guidance.
He’d asked her. He’d asked her to show him the way because no one else could.
No one had proven more reliable, no one had proven stronger than Anna. She’d fallen and it was unpleasant to merely think about it. But if it were not for her, Uriel would still be assisting demons in their mission to break the seals and bring Hell on Earth. If it were not for her, Uriel would have destroyed him like the many others from their kin.
Anna brought peace with her presence and emotion with her touch. He’d shied away from it time and time again, refusing to admit that it felt like home. It was a new sensation and he didn’t know what to make of it. Through the vessel he could feel things in an unfamiliar way and it made him more afraid than anything.
It’s forbidden to feel the way humans do.
He can’t even think about it.
He shouldn’t.
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fersuregurl 
